Due to being buried in work and being messed about to the point of insanity with my new degree on top of being a new father I have been a little distracted. Here are a few quick reviews:
Wonder Woman DC should just plug Bruce Timm into everything they do and wait for world domination. Wonder Woman's main flaw is it is far too short, the end shots really make you wish that you could watch another 45 minutes of top-notch arse-kicking. Nathan Fillion is as charming and funny as usual, Kerri Russell lends the role the blend of naivety and will that is needed and Alfred Molina is simply disturbing. Wonder Woman continues to be the best character to be waiting for a comic that consistently does her justice, but is immensely interesting in Timm's animated universes.
Castle
Castle continues to be utterly predictable, unimaginative and stupifyingly watchable thanks to Nathan Fillion being Nathan Fillion and his devotees smiling blankly for an hour and chuckling.
Dollhouse Since the 6th episode (where apparently the Fox executives waved their hands in the air and let Whedon and Co. get on with it) Dollhouse has improved immensely, with the supporting cast becoming much more compelling; twists and turns effecting the story arc with more purpose and a focus on making the audience actually want to watch the next episode. Dushku is still erratic at times (her confused, doting turn in Man on The Street was plywood when put alongside Patton Oswalt), but she is beginning to form a personality as Echo which will help with audience empathy and she is spending less time attempting to be convincing as a passive victim. At the current rate of improvement the show should be just about good enough for me to be a bit pissed off when it gets cancelled.
Monsters vs. AliensSlightly amusing at times but mainly uninspired and certainly guilty of criminally wasting some of its cast. One of those films that News of The World critics would describe as "great for the kids!" while the rest of the world remembers that Toy Story happened and films like Monsters vs. Aliens are not good enough any more. I didn't see the film in 3D but when one of the first shots is of someone playing "Bat-'n-Ball" towards the camera you can imagine how earth-shattering that experience is. The only time I want that old gag used is when the 3D Blazing Saddles is made. Watch Kung-Fu Panda again instead.
HeroesCouldn't give a toss.
Ultimatum Marvel realised that other than the always readable Ultimate Spider-Man, their Ultimate universe had gone astray. Their answer was to have an event (which is their answer for everything lately) which restructured the Ultimate universe. Fair enough, sounds like a good idea. Then they asked Jeph Loeb to do it. Not so good an idea. A fictional universe created by Bendis, Millar and Vaughn being eviscerated by someone who wasn't deemed imaginative enough to write on Heroes this season. His other big contribution recently is a Hulk who, now get this...is RED! His follow on from Mark Millar's Ultimates series was so bad it was almost a parody. Ultimatum is the latest example of Loeb's take on writing comics for Marvel: a process that involves writing "shocking" events onto small pieces of card, tying the cards to 30 bones, throwing them into his back garden and then listing whatever his dog shits out the following day. I figure his dog is a Bull-Mastiff as there's a lot of shit making its way into each issue of Ultimatum. Someone dies, then someone else dies followed by a tragic death. Characters speak about the deaths in odd exposition laden mumbling with the tone of a 60 year old trying to imagine what a teen sounds like. The end.
Garbage.
More to follow when my brain becomes less entwined with my arse.
I think my brain almost melted last night. Not from Zack Snyder's astoundingly faithful translation of Watchmen, but due to the reactions it provoked in the obviously braindead.
If I recounted all of the ridiculous arguments made against the content or style of the film I would most likely implode in the same fashion as the target of the Romulan Death Star seen in the shiny new Star Trek trailer.
No, I will just stick to two responses.
The first can easily be dismissed as the ramblings of the prepubescent who have been complaining about Dr. Manhattan's blue penis as being "distracting". In fact any divvy who was unable to watch the film and enjoy it due to a CGI azure wang, really shouldn't have been in the cinema (I myself was staggered at how many parents were queued up to see their film with young kids, Watchmen is rated R and deservedly so, the violence is very graphic and the sex explicit).
Happy as a dog with three shiny blue dicks.
The other response that staggered me was that of a writer I respect greatly: Brian Michael Bendis.
He was very critical of the film and recommended that his fanboard members go see the film purely as it would fuel debate, though he himself felt the film was a "fascinating failure".
He stated: "i (sic) think it's(sic) success will rely on how many people want to sit there and feel that humanty(sic) is ugly and useless and a joke for 2.5 hours."
If you know nothing of Watchmen I can understand about how the desolate and desperate tone of much of the film could be jarring, but for someone who is a leading figure in the comics industry to be surprised an adaptation of Watchmen offers a critique on aspects of modern society, and particularly that of the 80s, makes me scratch my head until I make sparks on my skull.
This doesn't mean I think Watchmen is the best comic book film ever made, that title is still owned by The Dark Knight, it is however a good film.
I do think it is about as faithful an adaptation that is possible to make without simply filming every pane of the comic (and yes it is a bloody comic, but if you want to say Graphic Novel to make you feel easier then ok).
The performances are excellent in the main (particularly Jackie Earle Haley and Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Rorschach and The Comedian) with only Matthew Goode's overplaying of Veidt's affectations being a choice I found uncomfortable.
Malin Akerman as the Silk Spectre II is capable in the action scenes and frankly jaw dropping when disrobed while maintaining a playful sense of humour in her scenes with Patrick Wilson. I do think her character is an aspect of the film that suffers from the translation as her role is trimmed down somewhat. I don't think it is Akerman's fault that the character doesn't shine in comparison to the others.
Wilson is affable and likeable as Nite Owl II and though some will complain that he is certainly not the flabby mess that Rorshach witheringly accuses him of, it is only a small criticism and did not detract from his empathy.
Snyder does not overuse the slow-mo in the action sequences, though it is difficult to criticise his choices in the film in relation to use of camera as it seems Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons made most of those decisions.
It really is amazing how many of the scenes are shot for shot from the original text. Spoilers for the next paragraph:
The montage for the opening titles is sublime. Using Dylan is the first of many smart music choices in the film. I won't go into too much detail but I found the background use of Tears for Fears at one point hilarious. When a message board mewler complained that 99 Red Balloons was a stupid song to use, it did make me realise that there are many morons with access to the Internet.
Snyder's decision to get rid of the squids and have Dr. Manhattan as the scapegoat to save the world makes perfect sense. All of the subtext and clues about the missing engineers and the island would have been to unwieldy in an already long film and would have been difficult to pull off visually without being underwhelming when devoid of that subtext.
I didn't like the titillating shots that were used before the sexual assault on Silk Spectre and also how after The Comedian mocks Hooded Justice, HJ continues the assault. In the books Moore has Justice walk away to emphasise just how true The Comedian's appraisal of him is, a consistent theme that runs through the story (a la King Lear).
The sex scene between Nite Owl and Silk Spectre is a little long, Snyder lingers on the scene for obvious reasons, mainly that Malin Akerman is stunning, but also this is the payoff from their clumsy initial fumbling as Dreiberg and Jupiter, their coupling becomes overtly stylised due to their empowerment by the costumes. A comment on the fetishistic psychology of the vigilantes.
Spoilers off.
I found the film satisfying but I am still undecided on how good it is to be honest. It demands a second viewing as I feel I spent too much time being blown away by how accurate a translation it was to really judge it as a film on its own.
Hopefully I can do that soon.
Even so this is certainly not the huge disaster this film could have been (Brett Ratner's Watchmen, set in 2020 with a split screen of two squid creatures destroying the US and Moscow by flattening people with tendrils that are obviously moved on wires, in the background Rorschach cries for the dead).
After seeing it my initial response was pleased but somewhat muted, the more I think about it the more I like each aspect, a second viewing is just necessary.
The following is done while half-knackered and breathing relief that the latest round of tests on the impending arrival have gone ok. Forgive the rambling.
It is extremely difficult to approach anything by Joss Whedon without it being in context. When Dollhouse was first announced my excitement was barely containable for a number of reasons. Reason 1:
My favourite series of all time, it still blows me away due to the sheer ballsiness that it exuded consistently. The first season was somewhat rough around the edges, but by the second season, Buffy was unmissable television with intelligent scripts developing absorbing characters that linger to this day. Only on Buffy could a relationship like Willow and Oz's be so joyful, tender and fragile and yet still have me rooting for Willow and Tara shortly after.
Reason 2: A spin-off of Buffy, Angel was originally the darker side of the Buffyverse that had a first season which, though rocky at times, was sporadically excellent (I Will Remember You, To Shanshu in L.A.). In its 5th season Angel was near to the quality of Buffy at its best, containing genuine hilarity (Angel and Spike's married bickering), heart-wrenching tragedy ("Two words: Winifred Burkle") and though it was cancelled prematurely, it has as perfect an end to a series that you could wish for.
Reason 3: I remember watching Firefly (we got it in the correct order unlike the US audience, us crazy Brits) and each week I felt a mixture of awe and horror that something that was so mesmerising from the first minute could become better each episode and yet have already been cancelled. Containing the same friction of a dysfunctional family that the ensemble casts of Buffy and Angel contained at their most effective, Firefly was funny, inventive, exciting and as intelligent as anything else on television. No wonder Fox killed it. It also made Nathan Fillion the geek-God he is today, I'll even watch Castle just to see him being goofy and it looks pretty bloody awful.
Reason 4:
When Joss Whedon took over on my once-favourite example of popular culture, I was similarly as excited for it as I was for Dollhouse (I'm getting to it I promise). My expectations were exceeded as Whedon displayed a complete understanding of the characters and used a classic interpretation of them in their prime to tell new stories. Whedon effortlessly incorporated a flair for character beats that were simple yet startling (Wolverine and the beer can, Colossus returns, Cyclops no longer a whiny bitch). If you ever read an X-Men story, read the Astonishing X-Men hardcover collection not written by Warren Ellis and drawn by Simone Bianchi (utter shite).
Throw in some Dr. Horrible and you see that Joss Whedon has been my favourite figure in pop-culture for a long time.
We'll varnish that floor for $29.95!
With such an impressive record, one cannot be surprised that I was so looking forward to the premiere of Dollhouse, even if it was with the terror that something fantastic was going to be murdered by Fox. The move to Friday nights was a warning as I grimaced over in my previous post along with the awful promotion Fox was pushing. Rumours of executives interfering and requesting rewrites and reshoots were also worrying but still, this is Joss "Buffy,Angel, Firefly" Whedon we're talking about. Firefly had the same problems but what was made was still fantastic. So as I moved further from the edge of my chair to a resigned and reclined position last Friday, I could almost hear the sound of a balloon slowly deflating in my head.
Dollhouse may still turn out to be excellent television, but the first episode certainly wasn't indicative of that. Eliza Dushku has a fabulous arse, there is no doubt about it, it is well-proportioned, toned and firm. In the first five minutes we pretty much got to see this arse in its entirety but that was as exciting as things got. I suppose the biggest indictment of the first episode is that it was just so bloody ordinary. The ideas were interesting but the flair wasn't there, I can remember no witticisms or touches of class, while the conceit of the show killed the dramatic tension of the main plot. Echo (Dushku) is imprinted with the brain patterns of a number of hostage negotiators in order to assist a billionaire in the return of his kidnapped daughter. In the process of the exchange, Echo recognises one of the kidnappers as a child molester who raped one of the people who formed the mental template for Echo. Echo falls to the ground in an asthma attack (apparently the mental engrams produce Matrix-style physical consequences, though that isn't how Dr. Babble explained it), panicking in the realisation that she is face to face with her worst nightmare and fully knowing that the child will be killed. The problem with the situation is that the audience knows she never actually met the bastard, she only thinks she did, so our sympathy for her is disconnected, the bravery needed to walk into the hideout comes from whom? Echo or a programmed consciousness? Can you cheer on a well-proportioned flesh robot who isn't acting of her own accord? Of course we are meant to feel satisfaction that the memories of a dead woman find victory and closure in facing her worst fears, but I didn't. This may be as when Echo has not got the personality of someone else she reverts to child-mode. In Dushku's case this means staring off blankly and tilting her head.
I'd be happier if my feet weren't so friggin' cold.
When the lithe figure of Sierra (Dichen Lachman), a new operative of the Dollhouse, burst through the door to save the day, it made me realise just how much of a schism there has been between what Dushku's character has been built up to be and what she is in this first episode. Instead of the promised arse-kicking excitement, we were given ponderous exposition. I remember the first episode of Angel when the character of Doyle is used to tell the audience what has happened. It was clunky but forgiveable, yet in the premiere of Dollhouse absolutely everyone vomits swathes of exposition. Consistently we are told things instead of having them shown to us, which I hear is only usually done in radio.
I pout, therefore I am.
Having a series built as a vehicle for Eliza Dushku to show her range of character acting is in itself a fraught premise. In Buffy and Angel her range was to switch from annoyingly confused to to pouting more than Keira Knightley on a red carpet. Though in the main Dushku does ok, the introductory piece of exposition in which The-Person About-To-Be-Known-As-Echo talks about the terrible things she has done without saying what they were (tune in kids) is risible. Dushku paces around a lot and holds her hand to her head because being frantic isn't easy. The Joey Tribiani school of acting works wonders. The show needs to put her on familiar territory quickly and play to her strengths if she isn't able to play her sultry Joe 90 to better effect.
The supporting cast's quality is very hit and miss. The ever-reliable Harry Lennix plays Boyd who is (repeatedly) said to be new to the mysterious operation and seems to care too much about Echo, who he is meant to handle and back up on her engagements. The vast majority of the empathy for Echo is channelled through Boyd and Lennix does a good job of being the father-figure who is uneasy in his role.
Olivia Williams plays Adelle De Witt (rhymes with...) the head of Dollhouse. Her forehead is stamped with the words "Ice Queen" which amazingly fails to make it more obvious or trite. I think her look of constipation is meant to be aloofness and composure but I could be wrong, she may just really need a balti.
Even a genius finds matching trainers to shirts difficult.
Fran Kanz plays Topher, the young, possibly evil genius who gives all of the technobabble exposition. He is very enthusiastic about what the Dollhouse tech can do while not giving much of a crap about the humanity. Kind of a Werner Heisenberg in comfortable shoes.
Laurence Dominic (Reed Diamond) is De Witt's right-hand man and attack dog, he keeps Boyd in order with his mean, analytical dipshittery. Diamond is astoundingly bad, stiff and unconvincing as he poses in mean guy mode. At one point he grabs Boyd's arm in what was meant to be a threatening and domineering manner but instead he looked like someone pleading not to have the shit kicked out of him. Thamoh Penikett plays Fox Mulder, an agent who is unable to stop his relentless pursuit of the mysterious Dollhouse even when chided by his superiors. Fox is tall and angular with a sculpted six-pack and has a mean high-kick when using a steroid-junky as an allegory for never quitting.
It is difficult to explain how a show with the pedigree of those involved could have a premiere that is so uninspired. It would be easy to point at interference from the suits upstairs and there is certainly a sense of that in play, but it is almost like watching Spider-Man 3. Now don't get me wrong, the first episode of Dollhouse is by no means as execrable as Spider-Man 3, but the same sense of someone purposefully making what he has been told to make in order to show how crappy the idea is to begin with seems evident.
I can almost see Joss Whedon thinking "You want a by the numbers opener? I'll give you a damn by the numbers opener! How many over-over-2 shots can you take?" while pointing like an evil monkey.
Venom? I'll give you venom!
Most likely though I am making excuses for someone I hold in very high regard. This was simply not a good example of television from someone who is usually excellent. We all make mistakes, hopefully the rest of Dollhouse's first season rectifies this one.
Last night many promo spots were shown on Fox to support Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and the premiere of Joss Whedon's Dollhouse. Here's a taster of how Fox is pushing their new Friday night schedule:
Hi my name's Summer Glau, you may remember me as River from Firefly. We all loved that show but since Fox hadn't a clue about what it was or how to market it, it was quickly cancelled. Now we can't really blame Fox for this, they are only people who make television after all and so therefore are run by executives who can't distinguish a shit from a chocolate muffin. With that in mind let us give them our full confidence as they switch my show, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles to Fridays. Fridays have often been named "The Day Where Shows Go To Die" but Joss Whedon says this time Fox have a different expectation and he's great so I'm sure his show and my show will be fine. Hey thanks for the exposition Summer (which by the way there'll be plenty of in my brand new show tonight!), and hello to all of you Friday night viewers! My name is Eliza Dushku and as you can see I'm hot, bendy and have to share my clothes with the sensational Ms. Glau. Those great guys at Fox have realised that although Buffy, Angel and Firefly had a large female fanbase, the best way to grab a good audience on a Friday is for Summer and I to pout in a very forced and uncomfortable way while promising to suck your cock like a golf ball through a hosepipe. They have realised that all of the Buffy nerds are 14 year old boys who cannot go out on a Friday evening and so we will ensure the continuation of the "Whedonesque" following by making vapid allusions to our breasts and how kicking the acne off your chubby pock-marked faces would be fabulous.
Nicely put Eliza, and hey I love that shirt, you look so tough yet inappropriately cleavaged. Where was I? Oh yes, in another show near it's death. There are people who ridiculously think Fox executives make these decisions while snorting coke from the aerobicised ass of a prostitute. They then dare courageously to prove they are correct in investing in cheap reality television. I mean who would call them geniuses if they didn't throw a good writer to the wolves in order to point and scream "I told you so!" every few seasons?
Well they do earn the big bucks Summer. And please look where you aim, it is very disconcerting. So that's us, Terminator and Dollhouse, or as we are being made to sell them: "Robot I'd Like To Fuck" and "Blow-Up Doll House". We hope you can put down your Yu-Gi-Oh! cards at the same time every Friday to watch our sexy, sexy adventures. I know there will be some talky bits that you won't like and though the dramatic parts might make you wonder why you are not watching the WWE wrestling as usual, just remember we are much hotter.
We'll see you soon, we have to go cry in a corner as we are thrown into the imaginary puddle of semen on the cold stone floor of a non-existent kids' basement.
A review of the first episode of Dollhouse to follow, but my word Fox's promotion is not encouraging for long-term success.
Some spoilers may be included in this article though none of them earth-shattering to anyone who watches the opening titles or who knew anything about the last few seasons or who has used the Internet much.
Sunday evening 24 returned with some fanfare but more concerned misgivings. After the general apathy surrounding last season, 24 needs a return to form with the urgency that Jack Bauer displays when stabbing someone in the head with whatever is at hand (including his hand).
One of the reasons I personally got tired of last season's 24 was the politicisation of the show. It seemed each episode was a call to torture and a protestation against the criticisms of those bleeding heart liberals and their "legality" and "morality" complaints.
Don't those pig-headed do-gooders realise Jack Bauer has a country to save? Jack himself had been brought up at various Republican conferences as a shining example of what the good ole USA needed and what on earth was a Geneva Convention anyway?
Becoming the poster boy for Bush propaganda certainly didn't endear the all-new more-torture Bauer for me, but it was mainly the repetitive plot conventions and the foregoing of tension for inventive object insertion in various ethnic stereotypes that pushed me away. Jack didn't use his wits to sort problems out, unless his wits were a brand of pliers or a fancy new blowtorch-chainshaw combination. The tension of the show was petering out, the shaky camera caused by yawning cameramen rather than quivering anticipation of what revelation would happen next(a mole in CTU? NOOOOOOO!).
So with the writers strike delaying the full season, 24: Redemption was released to some positive responses but certainly not with the anticipation one would have expected 3 seasons ago. However the tv movie did prove to be a palate cleanser to get the fetid taste of the 6th season out of the mouth even if it wasn't a full return to form of the first three seasons.
Jack shoots dwarf
What I liked the most about 24: Redemption was that it was Bauer being the unequivocable good guy, it is difficult to be more of a good guy when saving a village full of photogenic war orphans from genocidal warmongers. There were no attempts at being thought-provoking (in the same way that Fatal Attraction was thought provoking in the US, ie it wasn't anywhere else) by having Jack make tough decisions all the time, which were mostly decisions about whether to be lawful or stab someone in the kneecap to make them instantaneously want to divulge everything they knew and certainly not just make up crap that they thought might make the bad man stop.
Season 7 begins with Jack under investigation for his actions. Kurtwood Smith plays the smugly self-righteous senator who berates Bauer for his actions and flagrant disregard for the law. My toes were starting to curl just as Jack is served a subpoena and forced to help the FBI with a matter of national security.
"I'll take Kitchen Utensils in Orifices for $1,000 Alex"
At this point I will be more general as I don't want to ruin anything. Although the question on just how far one should abide by the law in order to save the day is touched upon (spoiler alert: Law 0 - Mavericks United 3) more time is spent building the plot and making events important than on blood and bluster. Jack even gets to seem competent when investigating the latest threat to the USA (though this does make most of the FBI seem like well-dressed radishes).
Devil with a pant-suit on?
The new President (gasp it is a lady! And she's more Hillary than Caribou Barbie!) is introduced, her husband is hinted to be mental (harkening back to a previous presidential spouse) and subplots are introduced and quickly brought together with the main thread of the story arc. This in itself is a pleasant change from the interminable side stories that have gone nowhere in past seasons and were mainly used to fill time while we wait to get back to Jack saving the day.
GILF: Chloe never looked better
New faces are introduced (it is nice to see Janeane Garofalo as the requisite uber-geek and reassuring Liberal) and old ones return (I won't say who, but speaking of old faces: Jack's is certainly starting to show the wear and tear of being shot a lot while shouting "DAMMIT!").
By the end of Monday's episodes, the first 4 hours were done with but my interest wasn't. Yes there are a lot of reused plots and familiar character types, but it still felt more like the 24 of old where the daftness was easy to overlook in pursuit of regular thrills and dramatic payoffs. Even my wife who has never watched an entire season of 24 was checking that Mondays were the regular night for the show as she has been drawn in by the opening episodes.
Could this be the revival of the Bauer Power Hour?
I hope so, though if it does NBC might be hammering nails in Heroes' coffin.
I've been pondering writing some machinima shorts for a while and in the new year I might give it a serious go, certainly in the Summer. For those who don't know; machinima is the latest new media to spring out from gaming. Using various games (Halo, Half-Life 2, World of Warcraft and many more) as 3D modelling and background creators then using camera angle options to create films.
While roving around on the Interwebs I found a piece which isn't actually machinima but full animation after taking World of Warcraft's models and sounds and slapping them into an animation studio.
For the non-WoW people the female who is the target of the Blood Elf rogue is actually a dragon called Onyxia in human-form, she has infiltrated the city of Stormwind in order to manipulate the young king.
The potential for these tools staggers me and though I have no chance of producing something as amazing in an animation sense, I will definitely be giving machinima a whirl at some point in the next year (impending parenthood and starting a new degree not withstanding).
No dirty thoughts please. A month ago we had a scan for Spina Bifida on the impending arrival. All clear. Then they found a hole in the heart. Yesterday we had the scan to see the extent of the defect. It has closed.
To my good friend Admiral Neck, please watch the following to further give balance to your EVE Online dream. EVE is an incredible game with superb potential and the kind of player-driven content that I espouse fervently.
It also has the excitement of a Tom Rothman presentation on modern cinema.
He truly was once one of the best footballers on the planet.
His performance against Greece was one of grit, heroism and brilliance and he pretty much single-handedly dragged us to qualification.
Unfortunately, apart from one or two games after he lost his place, Beckham is a shadow of the great man he was.
His pace was never blistering but it was enough when combined with his boundless stamina and enthusiasm. He didn't need to pass the full-back as he would curl the ball around him.
Now, Beckham rarely gets to the full-back and is instead curling the ball from the halfway line.
When the ball goes to him the speed of the move stops, Wes Brown was forward more than Beckham and in fact when England's ridiculously high line was exposed it was Beckham playing at right-back as Brown was expected to do all the leg work.
When Bentley came on it was much different, we had width, pace and still good delivery.
We do not need a player whose only strength is crossing a ball or tkaing free-kicks when others can do the same and more.
2) Frank Lampard. For Chelsea fans a name that brings forth images of goals, glory and admiration. For England fans a name that promotes quizzical head-scratching and a fervent hope that maybe this game he will do something.
Tonight he lived up to his England reputation, generally walking around looking aimless and pointing at opposition players for someone else to mark to give the impression of leadership. Loose passing, unimaginative picking the ball up from one central defender to deftly pass it 10 yards to the other central defender, shying away from the tricky pass forward in preference to the more accomplished-looking 20 yard square ball that doesn't help much, all quintessential elements to a disappointing Lampard midfield performance.
What Lampard can do as well as anyone in the game is arrive late in the box and finish. At this he is exceptionally good for his club and his club gives him the freedom to do this by having a midfield built to allow him to run forward at will.
A lot like this man did for England:
David Platt, brilliant at arriving late in the box and scoring, so good Graham Taylor preferred his strikers to both run towards the defending full-backs just to make space for him.
However as my late, great, ex-professional football playing Grandfather would say "He runs around like a headless chicken and can't trap a bag of cement", I would add "couldn't pass piss with a cholostomy."
Basically Platt contributed very little to the game outside of his goals and the team suffered overall in later years as the team had to be built around his singular ability to make playing him worthwhile.
Which is how Lampard has been now for a number of years for England, the difference being he doesn't score very often.
Gerrard and Lampard are vying for the same position. If Gerrard doesn't score he will usually contribute with his box-to-box work, his tackling, his much more astute and ambitious passing plus he has shown he can play well with Barry, both of them filling in for each other and takingit in turns running forward or defending.
Lampard gives you goals (but not often for England), inferior passing and his positional sense and desire to get back and defend are not fantastic. He wants to be up the pitch, running beyond strikers which is understandable as that is what he is best at, but the England side is not built purely for him to go charging forward and tonight, too often, Barry was trying to cover 2 players running at him while Lampard ambled past Rooney.
As with previous managers, you have to choose between Lampard and Gerrard and play one of them. As with previous managers, Capello seems reluctant to drop one of them.
To prevent my possible finger dislocation as I type my rant I will break my thoughts on England's 2-2 draw with the Czech Republic into nice bite-size chunks of vitriol and bile.
First up: England managers and THE BIG NAME.
Both Sven and McClaren would constantly include players who were either patently unfit or dreadfully out of form whether there were obvious replacements or not.
How many times have we seen Gerrard wasted on the left to accomodate Lampard and a holding midfielder in the middle with Beckham on the right?
But in comes Fabio and his iron will and pragmatic ruthlessness would have none of that BIG NAME bias.
Tonight he started with an England midfield of Gerrard on the left, Lampard and Barry in the middle and Beckham on the right.
Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose, which translates as "Oh Christ, here we go again."
Just to drag the dying coals over this issue let me go over why that midfield not only doesn't work but has never worked at any time that it has been tried.
1) Steven Gerrard I am biased as I'm a Liverpool fan and have watched this man carry my beloved side on his shoulders even in the biggest games. However I have never seen him play a good game when played as a left-winger, mainly as he isn't a left-winger, right-winger (to some extent the exception), defensive midfielder, right back or secondary striker (and yes he has played all of those positions for England).
He is an attacking central midfielder, in my opinion the best in the country due to his range of through-balls and his striking.
Tonight he was not at his best by a long shot, make no bones about it, but he certainly tried, made some decent runs and hit a couple of solid if unspectacular shots. However particularly in the second half his passing went awry mainly as he was trying to use his right foot on the run when his left foot was the natural option.
The argument that Gerrard is so good he can play anywhere is moot. No matter how good Gerrard is in central midfield, he is nowhere near as good as players like Ashley Young, Joe Cole or even Stewart Downing when it comes to the left wing. But Young and Downing are not BIG NAMES, why Cole wasn't emplyed is explained by Capello's continuation of the great English managerial folly:
trying to play Gerrard, Lampard and Beckham at the same time.
In my next post: Frank Lampard, the modern day David Platt, in a bad way.
Apparently 20th Century Fox is serious in its attempt to curb Warner Bros. and the Watchmen film we eagerly await. As any excuse to watch the trailer is a good one, here it is again:
As glorious as the film looks, there are concerns stemming from a court's refusal of Warner Bros. move to dismiss 20th Century Fox's preliminary action towards an injunction on Watchmen due to disagreements on the ownership of film rights. Is this another part of the reason that Harry Potter was moved to next Summer by WB? So says CBR in this article which was started by this piece at Deadline Hollywood. Please let this be an early scare and a deal be made.
Finally I can breathe again as football comes back to life and I can spend Saturday and Sunday lamenting the terrible punditry on offer here in the USA.
Ahh Ron, how concise and detailed you seem to me now.
In the tradition of terrible punditry here are my responses to the weekend's games:
Arsenal 1 West Brom 0
Bugger. I was hoping the Baggies could grab a draw at the Emirates and get their season off to a flyer, but they held their own against a very talented side so still positives to be taken.
Bolton 3 Stoke 1
Bolton off to a flyer and a fantastic fluke of the season contender helps show Stoke that they are up against it if Bolton's perennial mediocrity has them scuppered.
Everton 2 Blackburn 3
A surprisingly entertaining game in which Everton worked very hard with very little and Blackburn played some decent football which probably caused some heart attacks in the away end.
Moyes is known for turning turds into tulips but this season he looks to have more crap on his hands than a veterinarian on a dairy farm.
They need to buy and buy soon.
Hull 2 Fulham 1
Across the press, hackneyed journos screamed with delight as the words "fairytale" and "underdog" sprang forth to save them any thought as Hull beat the mighty Fulham at home.
Now personally I wouldn't call this David and Goliath as much as Dave versus Gavin on a pub car park after closing time.
It is good to see the newly-promoted side get some success but I don't expect Fulham to be challenging for anything other than the "Worst Pie Award" this season, so let's not get too carried away.
Middlesbrough 2 Tottenham 1
Many people were surprised by this result, though most of them were from North London. Southgate is finally turning the QE2 away from McClaren's turgid reign of terrible and is trying to get the side playing purposeful and fast-passing football. Tottenham will still have a good season but they have holes to fill after Keane's departure over the summer and Berbatov's departure 10 minutes after arriving.
As long as injuries don't intrude both of these sides will be near each other in the ferocious end-of-season scrap to be above halfway.
Sunderland 0 Liverpool 1
My beloved Liverpool danced merrily upon the dazed faces of the plucky Black Cats as they weaved a romantic tapestry of beautiful passing and imaginative movement and style.
And then I woke up and got back to watching the clunky, confused crap that put me to sleep in the first place.
Rafa you tactical genius you. Buy a second striker who lives on smart passing through midfield, the perfect foil for the rapier of Torres, twin forces of guile and speed with destructive finishes.
No! Kick it higher!
Then lob the ball up at them from the keeper and the fullbacks so they get muscled out of it by lumbering defenders. Gasp with incredulity as your 20 million pound man plays half the game as a right back just to remind himself of what the ball looks like. A tip for you Robbie: It spends more time in the air than it does at Tottenham but it is still round really, the clouds confuse the perspective.
Benitez still doesn't know what formation to play as he tried a 4-4-2 with Kuyt on the right wing. Kuyt couldn't finish so he can't play up front, unfortunately he can't run quickly or cross either so his usefulness as a winger is limited, particularly when he spends most of his time standing inside.
On the other flank Benayoun at least remembered he could stand on his left leg but forgot he could do anything else with it and also repeatedly moved inside.
For pretty much 90 minutes Rafa was employing a 4-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation which made tucking the midfield and defenders in to cover pretty straightforward for Sunderland. Roy Keane could see that one coming, though everyone else has been watching it happen for years anyway.
Fortunately Torres then got the ball and buried it to remind the manager that playing to his strengths might be a good idea after all.
Rafa will accidentally discover his best team in about 2 months, he will then refuse to play it to show how tactically astute he is and Liverpool will be 15 points off the pace by February.
I'm not bitter, honest.
Oh and prepare for Robbie Keane and Torres to be played as wingers with Kuyt through the middle.
West Ham 2 Wigan 1
Dean Ashton wins the game in typical Hammers fashion, he scores 2 good goals then falls over injured. Does Curbishley have shares in BUPA?
West Ham will be mid-table and stay there with the precision of a spirit-level.
Wigan will be fighting for the Champions League place in May, but only if you are reading the Premiership table while doing a handstand at that time.
Aston Villa 4 Manchester City 2
When Mark Hughes took the City job he must have drooled at the prospect of a decent squad and enough money to buy himself the Real Madrid squad just to put in the reserves and have a chuckle about it.
"Call yourself a United forward? Go clean Elano's boots with your tongue Van Nistleroooooooooooy!" he was heard screaming by Mrs. Hughes at 2a.m one morning. Well the Arthur Daley of Thailand seems to be in a spot of bother and so does poor Sparky.
I geniunely feel sorry for the Man City fans who are having to put up with this farce which looks to have a long way to go yet.
On the other hand, Martin O'Neill is building an exciting team full of verve and attacking intent blended with some steel and organisation. With maybe a little more cover I'd say Villa for 5th spot unless Arsenal or Liverpool commit suicide.
Chelsea 4 Portsmouth 0
Uh oh. "Big Phil" opened up his Premiership account by scaring the piss out of everyone.
Remember when Chelsea were defensively excellent but too slow to finish teams off and let too many wins turn to draws? Remember when Ranieri had them running forward with style and flair while the defenders were shooting off flare guns to try and find each other?
Yeah those days are gone.
While I think they might need another striker in January depending on if Drogba is either injured or sulking, or if Anelka starts talking to his brother again, it is painfully difficult to see Chelsea as being anything but Champions or a very close 2nd.
Manchester United 1 Newcastle United 1
Hehehehe.
Hehehehehehehehe.
Hahahahahahahahaha.
Ahem, sorry.
When I saw that Man. United (no there really isn't just one united, sorry MUTV) were fielding a midfield of Carrick (decent but nothing spectacular), Scholes (solid enough but not the player he was), Fletcher (persistant but average) and Giggs (soon to be talked of having 2 yards in his head a la Sheringham but without the goals or passing) I fancied Newcastle to get something.
Surprisingly though, Ferguson's men were even more pedestrian than I thought they'd be sans TheLesserRonaldo.
Little Kev's Newcastle side actually showed promise, particularly in the form of Jonas Gutierrez who ran up and down the left wing with positivity, discipline and an abundance of pace. Martins actually looked like a Premiership forward.
They rode their luck at times, but Newcastle's industry and willingness to attack when possible gave them a well-earned draw.
As when Quieroz left the last time, Fergie's team spent a lot of time passing the ball around the half way line then not being able to go forward unless Newcastle gifted them an opening.
Most likely these problems will be solved when Nani, Anderson and The LesserRonaldo return and when Rooney is fully fit, but still it will have urged the signing of Berbatov sooner rather than later.
My favourite part of the game came from an altercation between Ferdinand and Giggs. Prepare for expletives as paraphrased through my usually accurate lip-reading:
Giggs (to The Artful Drug Test Dodger): F*** you, you f***ing prick. Ferdinand (to Giggsywigsy): Just pass the f****ing ball.
Less than a minute later Giggs is on the edge of the Newcastle area, he has a defender in front of him, another covering ready to double-up, one of his teammates is open nearby.
Giggs jinks one way, he jinks another, he jinks again, he flaps his arms around, he pleads to the ref, he watches the defender walk away with the ball.
Giggs was soon after substituted with a hamstring problem, Ferdinand was given the captain's armband, I may have peed a little.
Not that I would take pleasure in Giggsy being dubbed by some as "The Welsh Chimp" and said by others to be reminiscent of George Best in that a) whenever he puts in a right-cross a woman may be in danger and b) he won't be seeing a football pitch next year either.
Ok I went too far there, though on the other hand I could have gone further.
Of course all my bitter vitriol and hatred is tempered by the knowledge that Man. United will most likely be taking one of the top two spots this season and their slow start last season was followed by periods of jaw-dropping football and success.
I miss the usual banter I have at these times and my lack of international calling card means I have no other outlet so please remember this is the ranting of a bitter Liverpool fan exiled in the USA and contains no objectivity or diplomacy whatsoever.
The official launch has now been confirmed as the 18th of September and Warhammer Online:Age of Reckoning (or WAR) is just looking awesome.
The tone seems right, the innovative public quests and tomes are looking to add a fun dimension to the standard MMO gameplay and finally it seems a major game will make PvP worthwhile and fun.
It is 3:40am and so I shall be initially brief and spoiler free. I just returned from a midnight showing of The Dark Knight and will give a cursory and sleep deprived first impression review that I will add to over the next couple of days.
It is a superb film.
Ledger really is that good, the Joker is finally the terrifying force of nature that I've wanted to see.
That is about as far as I will go for now due to my brain falling out and wanting to really process what I saw tonight. Perhaps including a second viewing on an IMAX screen.
Just rest assured, those worried that the hype would kill the actual final product can go and see the film without fear of being underwhelmed.
Wanted by Mark Millar and J.G. Jones is about immorality and having fun with it. A young nobody is thrust into a world of supervillains who do what they want, when they want and he proceeds to kill everything that moves in order to get his way and continue to do what he wants.
There is no hero, everyone is narcissistic and it is all done with bad taste and a visceral urge for wanton delight in base individual expression.
Some people understandably detest Millar's adrenaline focused lack of complexity or heart. I thought it was a fun romp.
Wanted starring James McAoy and a mainly silent Angelina Jolie, begins with the same idea of a nobody thrust into a secret world and forced to use the power within him to seek vengeance and take his birthright.
There are differences...
1) No supervillains. That would need a large budget. Instead the secret world is that of a society of assassins called The Fraternity. A thousand year-old sect that was created by weavers in order to...
I'm sorry my brain shut down when I thought that I wrote that a deadly society of weavers...
Sigh, there I go again.
2) The assassins don't kill people because they are powerful and can do whatever they want. Oh no, these are nice assassins who only kill people who will do bad things. Like assassins perhaps.
3) The assassins can bend gunshots around corners, jump across buildings like Neo on his second try and see things no-one else can. They can do this because they have an elevated heart rate. At first this may not seem to make sense but that is just because of logic and these bullet effects cost money dammit!
4) Angelina Jolie has a nice arse. You see it. I think it actually has more lines of dialogue than she does if the tattoos are counted.
5) Now for this one you need to sit down. No really, take in the full comfort of that leatherette computer chair you are seated in if you are lucky, the haemmorroid inducing torture device on wheels if you are not.
Ok here we go.
The Fraternity is given their assignments by The Loom of Fate.
The Loom of Fate.
Say it again, roll it off the tongue, let it permeate your mind so when you see the film you don't worry yourself in thinking "Ermm did my brain just have an aneurism and cause me to think someone just said he gets told who to kill by The Loom of Fate?"
It is ok seeker of truth. He really did just say that the threads on top are 1s and the threads underneath are 0s. Which spell out the wishes of The Loom of Fate.
There's Morgan Freeman shooting his agent in front of The Loom of Fate. He had to shoot him because The Loom of Fate weaved together a binary code that had his name on it, that and Morgan Freeman figures that this is the last time he'll take the cash before reading a script that has anything as monumentally idiotic as The Loom of Fate in it.
He doesn't even bother bending the bullet around the unintended comedy.
There are some very fun scenes in this film, some well constructed action scenes and McAvoy does a decent job even if his American accent slips more often than a drunk camel on ice.
But it tries to make Wesley a hero. He isn't one. It takes the idea of the original comic, waters it down to make it inoffensive and then discovers there's no point, as being offensive is pretty much the whole idea.
We saw the tremendous trailer, the viral marketing, the clues hidden in the bizarre photographs and fake Japanese drink websites and I became concerned that in many ways another Godzilla was growing, a collective anticipation to be burst and deflated as soon as the creature itself is seen.
The success of Cloverfield is that in many ways it just doesn't matter what the twisted and gigantic monster looks like, because this film isn't about the creature.
It is about the utter terror and destruction that washes over the insignificant humans around it and how they find what it is that is important to them through their suffering and despair.
Drew Goddard 's script is tight and balances suspense, awe and raw terror with moments of humour to give the audience that short respite before ramping up the tension again.
Matt Reeves sometimes chooses shots to emphasise the handheld nature of the "footage" that aren't necessary and detract a little, but the majority of the film draws you in and does not let you go.
The actors are far too pretty to truly be Everymen, but still I was effected by their performances, particularly Michael-Stahl David's driven but aptly devastated and bewildered turn as Rob.
T.J. Miller plays Hud, given the task at the party which opens the film to document people's farewells to Rob before he leaves for a new job in Japan. Hud's character is both the comic relief and narrator and has a perfectly pitched, deadpan delivery which contrasts the frenetically bizarre disaster going on around him.
Most of the characters are little more than ciphers, which is unsurprising in a film that clocks in at just over an hour and 15 minutes, yet the lack of development, the sometimes clumsy special effects and plot contrivances are just washed away in the unmitigated thrill of it all.
Each time you think you realise just how bad things are for them, it gets worse and the feeling of powerlessness becomes more and more palpable until the audience participation turns into the voyeurism that the idea of the camera implies.
The choice of the handheld camera as the eye of the film isn't just effective in the fly-on-the-wall style that has become so popular in television drama in recent years, it also gives the illusion of stripping away the comfort zone of editing; the camera does not fade to black when something horrific happens, it keeps going and we experience things that leave us in no mind that anything can happen.
This is still a Hollywood film, there are a number of occasions where belief has to be suspended beyond just the monster so have no false expectations of this being a faux documentary.
There are a number of things I would like to go into detail on but I find myself having to be vague to avoid spoilers, just prepare to be bombarded in as frenetic a manner as I can remember in a film in recent years.
Cloverfield is a dark, howling film that even in its own sense of despair manages to be fun.
Yesterday the final part of One More Day, Amazing Spider-Man 545, hit the local comic shop. I was expecting this to be bad. I was wrong.
Warning, spoilers abound.
As I outlined in a previous post, this has been the big change in Spider-Man continuity that has been hyped and debated for a long time.
Some have said "Wait until it finishes before judging", I myself was wondering if this catastrophe as it appeared was going to be a huge fakeout as noone in their right mind could really think that this direction was a good idea could they?
Well it has now finished and it is without doubt the single most damaging and blindingly moronic stories I have ever read.
The first part of the issue deals with the turmoil as Peter and MJ dicuss Mephisto's offer: let Aunt May die or have Mephisto alter reality and take away their marriage as if it never happened.
MJ proffers the idea that they do let her die, that she has had a good life, Peter has done everything anyone could do for her, Peter says he has thought of that too (I would like to think so) and that if they decided together to do it then maybe he could live with it.
Then MJ accepts Mephisto's offer, whispering something in his ear to convince him to give Peter a true shot at happiness (most likely theory is she told Mephisto she would bear the tragic knowledge of what they once were).
As a last sting in the tail Mephisto revelas that the young red headed girl who Peter saw on his tour of possible realities in the last issue was HIS AND MJ's DAUGHTER! Gasp!
If Peter didn't realise this before now then he is an utter moron, and even if he didn't, wasn't their ever a point in which he thought that maybe being married to the woman he loves and having good regular sex with her might one day to them having a kid and this would not happen now? Pretty obvious really.
MJ tells Peter she believes that no matter what Mephisto does she believes their love is too storng for anything to break it and they are destined to be together no matter what, they kiss one last time as husband and wife and a nicely drawn montage sums up their life together.
Peter then wakes up, it is the "Brand New Day".
He has overslept on his alarm, that goofy guy, and he dashes downstairs as he is late for something.
The stairs he runs down are owned by his Aunt May because not only is Peter no longer married he apparently is either a 25 year old still living with his old Aunt or somehow time has gone crazy and he's younger.
The former is the truth but the latter is how it feels.
Peter dashes out, stuffing down his beloved Aunt May's wheatcakes shouts that he loves her and rides off on his bicycle.
Yes, his bicycle, yes he is wearing a helmet and yes when this image is added to his other actions in this issue one wonders if he is, well, a little challenged.
Peter arrives at his destination: a surprise party thrown for someone to be revealed.
Flash Thompson is there.
Peter spots MJ who is wearing black and looking solemn, Flash spots the distraction.
"Yikes, awkward! Things still frosty with MJ, huh?"
When reading that line it was like a wonderful journey back in time to a simpler age where dialogue was consistently terrible but noone noticed.
And so the big surprise is shouted as Harry Osbourne enters the room.
Yes Harry is no longer dead as the memorable story that included his death never happened.
Peter spies a hot blonde, which turns out to be Harry's girl.
Peter sulks dramatically and says "figures" because this handsome, athletic 25 year old not only can't get a date he has the proportional emotional maturity of a spider.
The final full page is a close up of the revellers hands and glasses of champagne as they raise a toast to "A brand new day!"
"Mmmm this champagne tastes like piss"
There's then a reprint of the Spider-Man/MJ wedding issue. Because that helps.
Where to begin with this travesty?
First of all, it was Peter's decison to unmask himself in Civil War, he was perfectly aware that someone close to him could be killed due to it, Peter then decided to switch sides knowing full well he and his loved ones would no longer have Stark's protection.
And now with great power comes great inability to accept the consequences of your actions and instead let the devil decide the fates of you and your loved ones.
I doubt that will be the tag-line for Spider-Man 4.
There are all sorts of complications now added. Marvel's concept of time and reality altering has been pretty consistent, one change effects another. Now if Harry is alive then how does that effect things that happened? If Peter never unmasked how does that effect Civil War and all of the fallout from that? Is Dr. Doom dead as Spider-Man saved him when on his way to see MJ on the West Coast but now never made that trip?
Apparently not, we just have to assume it changed some things fundamentally but everything else went pretty much the same way. Except Peter didn't grow up at all through the course of what happened it seems. This profound shift in reality only effected the things Joe Quesada wanted them to (including he uses web shooters again now, Joe Q admitted he had that changed so they now had the possibility of Peter running out of web fluid at bad times again. Yay for great storytelling! Quesada also admitted it was his idea to go to organic webshooters in the first place. Yay for consistency!)
Would you like some ice with your Prime Punch?
And now because Peter has repeatedly acted in a way completely out of character (let's face it he does the deal as he can't handle being at fault for May's death, making him a virtual coward) we now have him apparently return to the character that Joe Quesada believes is the right one.
The goofy, nerd Peter who is 15 years of age in all but physical appearance.
Quesada has accused anyone who disagrees with him as just wanting to keep the character that they grew up liking without seeing the big picture of the character who will appeal to younger fans and ensure his future. Y'know, the character that he grew up liking.
In this softball session some would call an interview, Quesada responds to the OMD controversy.
Here is how Quesada sees the debate:
So, the way I see it, there are two sides of the argument, two segments of fans. On one side, there is a contingency of fandom that wants Peter to age along with them and live life as they do. He needs to get married, have kids, then grandkids, and then the inevitable. One the other side, there are fans that realize Spidey needs to be ready for the next wave or generation of readers, that no one can lay claim to these icons, no one generation has ownership and that we need to preserve them and keep them healthy for the next batch of readers to fall in love with.
Yep all fans who rail against this debacle simply want Spider-Man to grow old and die with them and are being selfish.
Staggering.
If I seem a little scattershot with my response it is because I'm having real trouble fully comprehending how awful this is.
There is nothign wrong with change, Ed Brubaker is doing fantastic work with bringing back Bucky from the dead in Captain America, he is doing great work in having Cap himself killed.
But to erase 20 years of continuity in order to make a character unable to change, to reward his growth with a reset button and all because Quesada thinks marriage ends story, the possibility of a supporting cast and the possibility of the fresh and exciting love triangle plot seems incredible in its stupidity.
I believe Spider-Man is such an iconic character because he is an everyman, a person we can identify with who gets put through the mill time and time again but comes through due to his courage, purity of spirit and respect and love for those around him.
Joe Quesada killed that character as he believes we will better identify with a 25 year old man living with his 75 year old Aunt who doesn't know how to talk to girls, can't scrape together the cash for a date, except when maybe at his millionaire best friend's pad and consistently screws up relationships with stunningly beautiful women because he hasn't grown up yet.
I was expecting this to be bad, instead it is an unmitigated disaster.
DC should just plug Bruce Timm into everything they do and wait for world domination. Wonder Woman's main flaw is it is far too short, the end shots really make you wish that you could watch another 45 minutes of top-notch arse-kicking. Nathan Fillion is as charming and funny as usual, Kerri Russell lends the role the blend of naivety and will that is needed and Alfred Molina is simply disturbing.
Castle continues to be utterly predictable, unimaginative and stupifyingly watchable thanks to Nathan Fillion being Nathan Fillion and his devotees smiling blankly for an hour and chuckling.
Since the 6th episode (where apparently the Fox executives waved their hands in the air and let Whedon and Co. get on with it) Dollhouse has improved immensely, with the supporting cast becoming much more compelling; twists and turns effecting the story arc with more purpose and a focus on making the audience actually want to watch the next episode.
Slightly amusing at times but mainly uninspired and certainly guilty of criminally wasting some of its cast. One of those films that News of The World critics would describe as "great for the kids!" while the rest of the world remembers that Toy Story happened and films like Monsters vs. Aliens are not good enough any more.
Couldn't give a toss.
Marvel realised that other than the always readable Ultimate Spider-Man, their Ultimate universe had gone astray.
David Platt, brilliant at arriving late in the box and scoring, so good Graham Taylor preferred his strikers to both run towards the defending full-backs just to make space for him.
I am biased as I'm a Liverpool fan and have watched this man carry my beloved side on his shoulders even in the biggest games. However I have never seen him play a good game when played as a left-winger, mainly as he isn't a left-winger, right-winger (to some extent the exception), defensive midfielder, right back or secondary striker (and yes he has played all of those positions for England). 
