Ahh Ron, how concise and detailed you seem to me now.
In the tradition of terrible punditry here are my responses to the weekend's games:
Arsenal 1 West Brom 0
Bugger. I was hoping the Baggies could grab a draw at the Emirates and get their season off to a flyer, but they held their own against a very talented side so still positives to be taken.
Bolton 3 Stoke 1
Bolton off to a flyer and a fantastic fluke of the season contender helps show Stoke that they are up against it if Bolton's perennial mediocrity has them scuppered.
Everton 2 Blackburn 3
A surprisingly entertaining game in which Everton worked very hard with very little and Blackburn played some decent football which probably caused some heart attacks in the away end.
Moyes is known for turning turds into tulips but this season he looks to have more crap on his hands than a veterinarian on a dairy farm.
They need to buy and buy soon.
Hull 2 Fulham 1
Across the press, hackneyed journos screamed with delight as the words "fairytale" and "underdog" sprang forth to save them any thought as Hull beat the mighty Fulham at home.
Now personally I wouldn't call this David and Goliath as much as Dave versus Gavin on a pub car park after closing time.
It is good to see the newly-promoted side get some success but I don't expect Fulham to be challenging for anything other than the "Worst Pie Award" this season, so let's not get too carried away.
Middlesbrough 2 Tottenham 1
Many people were surprised by this result, though most of them were from North London. Southgate is finally turning the QE2 away from McClaren's turgid reign of terrible and is trying to get the side playing purposeful and fast-passing football. Tottenham will still have a good season but they have holes to fill after Keane's departure over the summer and Berbatov's departure 10 minutes after arriving.
As long as injuries don't intrude both of these sides will be near each other in the ferocious end-of-season scrap to be above halfway.
Sunderland 0 Liverpool 1
My beloved Liverpool danced merrily upon the dazed faces of the plucky Black Cats as they weaved a romantic tapestry of beautiful passing and imaginative movement and style.
And then I woke up and got back to watching the clunky, confused crap that put me to sleep in the first place.
Rafa you tactical genius you. Buy a second striker who lives on smart passing through midfield, the perfect foil for the rapier of Torres, twin forces of guile and speed with destructive finishes.
No! Kick it higher!
Then lob the ball up at them from the keeper and the fullbacks so they get muscled out of it by lumbering defenders. Gasp with incredulity as your 20 million pound man plays half the game as a right back just to remind himself of what the ball looks like. A tip for you Robbie: It spends more time in the air than it does at Tottenham but it is still round really, the clouds confuse the perspective.
Benitez still doesn't know what formation to play as he tried a 4-4-2 with Kuyt on the right wing. Kuyt couldn't finish so he can't play up front, unfortunately he can't run quickly or cross either so his usefulness as a winger is limited, particularly when he spends most of his time standing inside.
On the other flank Benayoun at least remembered he could stand on his left leg but forgot he could do anything else with it and also repeatedly moved inside.
For pretty much 90 minutes Rafa was employing a 4-1-1-1-1-1-1 formation which made tucking the midfield and defenders in to cover pretty straightforward for Sunderland. Roy Keane could see that one coming, though everyone else has been watching it happen for years anyway.
Fortunately Torres then got the ball and buried it to remind the manager that playing to his strengths might be a good idea after all.
Rafa will accidentally discover his best team in about 2 months, he will then refuse to play it to show how tactically astute he is and Liverpool will be 15 points off the pace by February.
I'm not bitter, honest.
Oh and prepare for Robbie Keane and Torres to be played as wingers with Kuyt through the middle.
West Ham 2 Wigan 1
Dean Ashton wins the game in typical Hammers fashion, he scores 2 good goals then falls over injured. Does Curbishley have shares in BUPA?
West Ham will be mid-table and stay there with the precision of a spirit-level.
Wigan will be fighting for the Champions League place in May, but only if you are reading the Premiership table while doing a handstand at that time.
Aston Villa 4 Manchester City 2
When Mark Hughes took the City job he must have drooled at the prospect of a decent squad and enough money to buy himself the Real Madrid squad just to put in the reserves and have a chuckle about it.
"Call yourself a United forward? Go clean Elano's boots with your tongue Van Nistleroooooooooooy!" he was heard screaming by Mrs. Hughes at 2a.m one morning.
Well the Arthur Daley of Thailand seems to be in a spot of bother and so does poor Sparky.
I geniunely feel sorry for the Man City fans who are having to put up with this farce which looks to have a long way to go yet.
On the other hand, Martin O'Neill is building an exciting team full of verve and attacking intent blended with some steel and organisation. With maybe a little more cover I'd say Villa for 5th spot unless Arsenal or Liverpool commit suicide.
Chelsea 4 Portsmouth 0
Uh oh.
"Big Phil" opened up his Premiership account by scaring the piss out of everyone.
Remember when Chelsea were defensively excellent but too slow to finish teams off and let too many wins turn to draws? Remember when Ranieri had them running forward with style and flair while the defenders were shooting off flare guns to try and find each other?
Yeah those days are gone.
While I think they might need another striker in January depending on if Drogba is either injured or sulking, or if Anelka starts talking to his brother again, it is painfully difficult to see Chelsea as being anything but Champions or a very close 2nd.
Manchester United 1 Newcastle United 1
Hehehehe.
Hehehehehehehehe.
Hahahahahahahahaha.
Ahem, sorry.
When I saw that Man. United (no there really isn't just one united, sorry MUTV) were fielding a midfield of Carrick (decent but nothing spectacular), Scholes (solid enough but not the player he was), Fletcher (persistant but average) and Giggs (soon to be talked of having 2 yards in his head a la Sheringham but without the goals or passing) I fancied Newcastle to get something.
Surprisingly though, Ferguson's men were even more pedestrian than I thought they'd be sans TheLesserRonaldo.
Little Kev's Newcastle side actually showed promise, particularly in the form of Jonas Gutierrez who ran up and down the left wing with positivity, discipline and an abundance of pace. Martins actually looked like a Premiership forward.
They rode their luck at times, but Newcastle's industry and willingness to attack when possible gave them a well-earned draw.
As when Quieroz left the last time, Fergie's team spent a lot of time passing the ball around the half way line then not being able to go forward unless Newcastle gifted them an opening.
Most likely these problems will be solved when Nani, Anderson and The LesserRonaldo return and when Rooney is fully fit, but still it will have urged the signing of Berbatov sooner rather than later.
My favourite part of the game came from an altercation between Ferdinand and Giggs. Prepare for expletives as paraphrased through my usually accurate lip-reading:
Giggs (to The Artful Drug Test Dodger): F*** you, you f***ing prick.
Ferdinand (to Giggsywigsy): Just pass the f****ing ball.
Less than a minute later Giggs is on the edge of the Newcastle area, he has a defender in front of him, another covering ready to double-up, one of his teammates is open nearby.
Giggs jinks one way, he jinks another, he jinks again, he flaps his arms around, he pleads to the ref, he watches the defender walk away with the ball.
Giggs was soon after substituted with a hamstring problem, Ferdinand was given the captain's armband, I may have peed a little.
Not that I would take pleasure in Giggsy being dubbed by some as "The Welsh Chimp" and said by others to be reminiscent of George Best in that a) whenever he puts in a right-cross a woman may be in danger and b) he won't be seeing a football pitch next year either.
Ok I went too far there, though on the other hand I could have gone further.
Of course all my bitter vitriol and hatred is tempered by the knowledge that Man. United will most likely be taking one of the top two spots this season and their slow start last season was followed by periods of jaw-dropping football and success.
I miss the usual banter I have at these times and my lack of international calling card means I have no other outlet so please remember this is the ranting of a bitter Liverpool fan exiled in the USA and contains no objectivity or diplomacy whatsoever.
To those offended I apologise.
Except to the Man. United fans.
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